Turtle Jokes

"Dude, she just called you awkward!" "OH, HELL NO! Hold my turtle!"

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda.
The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back.
A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said, "oh, come on, and let’s eat the sandwiches."
Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "if you do, i won't go!"

Why did the turtle Cross the road? To get to the ''Shell'' station!

The first day after ChristmasMy true love and I had a fightAnd so I chopped the pear tree downAnd burnt it, just for spite Then with a single cartridgeI shot that blasted partridge My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. The second day after ChristmasI pulled on the old rubber glovesAnd very gently wrung the necksOf both the turtle doves My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. On the third day after ChristmasMy mother caught the croupI had to use the three French hensTo make some chicken soup The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obsceneThe five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green. The sixth day after ChristmasThe six laying geese wouldn't laySo I sent the whole darn gaggle to theA. S. P. C. A. My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned. The eighth day after ChristmasBefore they could suspectI bundled up theEight more...

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man, (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle,) a doctor and the old man were discussing Bush's health care reform ideas.

The old man said, "Well, ya know, old Bush is a post turtle".

So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

And he said, "When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down."