This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of' em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to more...
City of New York, Borough of Bronx
High School Math Proficiency Exam
1. Darnel has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he shoots 13 times during each drive-by shooting and misses 6 out of 10 shots, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine, and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Little Mikey for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of cocaine if he does not cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?
4. Dino wants to cut his half-pound of heroin to make a 20% profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4x4s, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 more...
A truck driver stopped for a meal at and was just served when a huge caravan of Hells Angels roared in. As the gang entered the restraunt, everyone but the truck driver quickly paid thier bills and left. The truck driver quietly sat there eating his steak.
The leader of the Hells Angels marched in and sat by the trucker at the bar, reached over and took his plate and began to eat the steak. Still unruffled, the trucker sat there quietly and drank his coffee. This infuriated the gang leader who grabbed the coffee and poured it on the trucker's head. Calmly the trucker wiped his head and walked to the cashier. Amid jears and insults from the gang the trucker paid his bill and left.
When the waitress came to take their order, the gang leader remarked, "Boy, that guy wasn't much of a man was he. I stole his steak, called his mother a bitch, and even poured coffee on his head. And the whimp, he just walked away."
The waitress replied, "Yea, I guess your right. more...
A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.
Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.
"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake.
The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us."
"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"