"Definitions" joke

What do you call a...

Diplomat - A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Optimist - A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Pessimist - A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Miser - A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father - A banker provided by nature.

Criminal - A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught.

Boss - Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician - One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor - A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.