Shirley Jokes / Recent Jokes

A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads:

"Here lies Shirley, wife of John Fergul, L. L. D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice, and Immigration Legal Services "

Suddenly, the lawyer bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's tombstone! "

Through his tears, the lawyer sobs, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number and Email!"

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I'm sorry but I didn't recognize you!"

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married more...

The curse
Shirley sat next to Hette, a middle aged lady, in shul one Shabbos. She couldn’t help but notice Hette’s wonderful, huge diamond ring on her wedding finger. Shirley sat there staring at it but couldn’t hold out any longer and said to Hette, “I hope you don’t mind me saying this but I just have to let you know that I think that your ring is the most beautiful ring I have ever seen.”
“Oy vay,” said Hette. “Thank you for saying that. This definitely is a beautiful diamond ring, but unfortunately, it has a curse as well.”
“What do you mean?” said Shirley.
Hette replied, “Don’t you know that this is the Katz diamond?”
Shirley replied, “The Katz diamond?”
“Yes, the Katz diamond, and the Katz diamond has a curse.”
“But what ever is this curse?” asked Shirley.
“Mr Katz.”

I can' think of anyone actually making this up... Before starting a band, you should know that the following names are taken:

[ a ]
Alcoholocaust
Alcoholics Unanimous
Armageddon Dildos

[ b ]
Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
Band Over
Barbara's Bush
The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
The Boxing Ghandis
Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
Bulimia Banquet
Buster Hymen & the Penetrators

[ c ]
Caltransvestites
Cindy Brady's Lisp

[ d ]
The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
The Dead Sea Squirrels
Dicky Retardo
Drunks With Guns

[ e ]
e. coli
Electric Prostates
Elvis Hitler

[ f ]
Fearless Iranians From Hell
Fields of Shit
'57 Lesbian
The 4-Skins
Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
The French are from Hell
Fromage d'Amour

[ g ]
Gefilte Joe and the more...

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho. If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the' 90's!, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elto John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou. If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G. Nog (Quark's more...

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely." "Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison." "You're kidding! What for?" "For killing my third wife. I strangled her." "What happened to your second wife?" "I shot her." "And, if I may ask, your first wife?" "We had a fight and she fell off a building." "Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, more...