"Upright Players" joke

UPRIGHT PLAYERS
* Showing up before first downbeat $25
* Playing audibly $25
* Faking changes $25
* Slapping $150
* Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
* Excessive sweating $25
* Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
* Asking leader for a solo $30
* Accepting solo when offered $50
* Taking second chorus $100
* Playing solo arco $400
* Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
* Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200
* Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500