"Real personal ads" joke

Actual personal ads from actual newspapers:

I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.

I want a man with a BIG heart, BIG hands, BIG feet, who is ready to enjoy BIG aspects of a playful woman.

Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment checks.

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