"Corporate lingo list" joke
Here’ s a little clarification of corporate lingo. COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you+- CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don’ t pay enough to expect that you’ ll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You’ ll be six months behind schedule on your first day. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend. DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control. CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). APPLY IN PERSON: If you’ re old, fat or ugly you’ ll be told the position has been filled. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We’ ve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You’ ll need it to replace three people who just left. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You’ re walking into a company in perpetual chaos. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You’ ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do. I’ M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ ve used Microsoft Office. I’ M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies. MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don’ t ask me about all the McJobs I’ ve had. I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes. I’ M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers. I’ M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer. I AM ADAPTABLE: I’ ve changed jobs a lot. I AM ON THE GO: I’ m never at my desk.
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