"Corporate lingo list" joke

Heres a little clarification of corporate lingo.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:

We have no time to train you+-

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:

We dont pay enough to expect that youll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:

Youll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:

We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED:

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON:

If youre old, fat or ugly youll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:

Weve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: Youll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:

Youre walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:

Youll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

IM EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: Ive used Microsoft Office.

IM HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:

I hope you dont ask me about all the McJobs Ive had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:

I blame others for my mistakes.

IM PERSONABLE:

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers.

IM EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:

I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE:

Ive changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO:

Im never at my desk.