"Why They Should Shut Up... And More!" joke
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are no new sins...the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 am. It could be a right number.
Think about this...No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
One of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life is to work so hard the boss will think he's after his job.
A backyard barbecue draws two things...flies and relatives.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
It was John The Milkman's birthday. Being a friendly sort of chap, he knew most of his customers and had told quite of few of them about his birthday. When he reached number 28, he was met by Mrs. Jones, the young attractive occupant. She asked him into the house and gave him an more...
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic more...
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, more...
A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. "Do you watch much television here?"
"Only the daytime shows," the inmate said. "At night we're locked in our cells and don't see any more...