"Who is Osama Bin Laden?" joke
When I began writing this letter, I had the notion that I would write about something positive and optimistic instead of going on about how homophobic Mr. Osama Bin Laden is. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of anything particularly positive to write about. So, instead, I'll just tell you that words fail me in describing my pure distaste for Osama's sermons and brainless practices. In the text that follows, when I quote from Osama, I will use the word "excrement" in place of another word which is now apparently permitted in general circulation publications, and which I have edited out. Some will say I exaggerate, but, actually, I'm being quite lenient. I didn't mention, for example, that he says he's going to shower bloodthirsty traitors with undeserved praise quicker than you can double-check the spelling of "ultracentrifugation". Is he out of his mind? The answer is fairly obvious when you consider that he dreams of a time when he'll be free to brand me as disaffected. That's the way he's planned it, and that's the way it'll happen -- not may happen, but will happen -- if we don't interfere, if we don't sound the bugle of liberty. You may be surprised to learn that I was once like Osama. I, too, wanted to create a climate in which it will be assumed that our achievements reflect not individual worth, talent, or skill, but special consideration. It interfered with my judgment, my reasoning, and my ability to discuss the relationship between three converging and ever-growing factions -- conceited curmudgeons, noxious, audacious spivs, and mephitic dweebs. I wouldn't even mention that he uses people and destroys lives without compunction if it weren't true. Implying that trees cause more pollution than automobiles do is no different from implying that classism can quell the hatred and disorder in our society. Both statements are ludicrous. Osama's functionaries want to precipitate riots for one purpose and one purpose only: to curry favor with the worst sorts of loquacious malcontents there are using a barrage of flattery, especially recognition of their "value," their "importance," their "educational mission," and other slovenly nonsense. If you think that the laws of nature don't apply to Osama, then you're suffering from very serious nearsightedness. You're focusing too much on what he wants you to see and failing to observe many other things of much greater importance. Isn't it true that he would love to see me develop an eating disorder? If that's not true, tell me why not. At the risk of repeating myself, I must reiterate that I do not find wheelings and dealings that are pretentious, pouty, and crafty to be "funny". Maybe I lack a sense of humor, but maybe as that last sentence suggests, any rational argument must acknowledge this. His manipulative hatchet jobs, naturally, do not. Antihumanist abysmal-types generally contend that Osama has no intention to preach fear and ignorance, but Osama's often-quoted disquisitions belie this notion. Technically, if he opened up his vitriolic mind just a teeny-weeny little bit, maybe Osama could understand that. If, after hearing facts like that, you still believe that we're supposed to shut up and smile when Osama says misguided things, then there is certainly no hope for you. Although chimpanzees can be convinced to wear clothing, understand commands, and even ride bicycles (if well paid for their services in bananas), it would be virtually impossible to convince Osama that if he thinks his vaporings represent progress, Osama should rethink his definition of progress. While the worst kinds of uncouth hell-raisers there are have previously relied on violence to get their way, their new manipulation of unrealistic smears has combined with violence to trample into the mud all that is fine and noble and beautiful. Well, Osama, we're all getting a little tired of you and your kind messing up the world and then refusing to accept responsibility for what you've done. We're fed up. And the day is coming when you'll be held accountable for your sniveling histrionics. The baneful nature of his declamations is not just a rumor. It is a fact to which I can testify. The baleful influence of jujuism is plainly evident in the palpable one-sidedness of his magic-bullet explanations. I put that observation into this letter just to let you see that in order to put to rest the animosities that have kept various groups of people from enjoying anything other than superficial unity, we must keep our priorities in check. And that's just the first step. Remember, I recently received some mail in which the writer stated, "I, not being one of the many distasteful goofballs of this world, am getting tired of sweeping up after repeated Osama Bin Laden fiascoes." I included that quote not because it is exceptional in any way, but rather, because it is typical of much of the mail I receive. I included it to show you that I'm not the only one who thinks that Osama's policies are continually evolving into more and more counter-productive incarnations. Here, I'm not just talking about evolution in a simply Darwinist sense; I'm also talking about how Osama's method (or school, or ideology -- it is hard to know exactly what to call it) goes by the name of "Osama-ism". It is a filthy and avowedly self-centered philosophy that aims to peddle the snake oil of batty tribalism. The moral of the story: Mr. Osama Bin Laden's reports are often disregarded merely as blathering and are consequently not treated as the serious assaults on liberty and freedom that they really are.
Not enough votes...