Things Jokes

Philippe, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Philippe and says,' Philippe, kiss me!'
Philippe grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Philippe?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Philippe the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up little, Marie says,' Philippe, kiss me lower.'
Philippe tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest.
'Philippe! What are you doing?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Philippe the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!'
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,' Philippe, kiss me lower!'
Our hero rips off her panties, grabs more...

When things go wrong,
When sadness fill your heart,
When tears flow in your eyes,
Just let me know,
Cause I want to be there for you,
I am selling tissues,buy one get one free

by Peter Leppik

The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of
the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

Server: "Is that it?"

Me: "Yep."

Server: "That'll be $1. 04, eat here?"

Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]."

At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right more...

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents'
house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a
non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays.
I thought my mother and by date would hit it off like partridges
and pear trees.

So, I was wrong.

Sue me.

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the
invitation. "I know these family things can be a little weird," I
told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun
on Christmas Eve."

"Sounds fine to me," Karen said.

I had only known by mother for 31 years when I told her I'd be
bringing Karen with me. "She's a very nice girl and she's really
looking forward to meeting all of you."

"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.

And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me's.
What more...

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"