Maybe Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

    Barbie
    c/o Mattel, Inc.
    El Segundo, CA 90245
    To: Santa Claus
    North Pole, North Pole
    Dear Santa:
    Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list!
    1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
    2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear more...

    Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, "That`s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

    Sid goes to temple and gets down on his knees and prays, "Dear God, I work hard but my business isn't doing well, my wife is acting strange and my daughter, ah, you don't want to know. Would it be so terrible, maybe I could win the lottery?"
    The next week he's back. "God, my wife, she's moving out and I'm getting audited by the IRS. And my daughter, she's running around with a such a sleaze, would it be so terrible, I could maybe win the lottery?"
    The next week, Sid's back. God, now I find my business partner ran off with my wife, leaving me to pay the taxes with money I don't have cause she cleanned out the bank accounts. And my daughter, she's pregnant by that nogoodnik who ran off as well. God, would it be so bad that I might win the lottery?"
    At that moment a beam of light comes blazing through the window as the clouds outside part and a voice booms down, "Sidney, meet me half way on this one, BUY A TICKET!!!"

    An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
    After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"
    The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."
    So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
    Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both more...

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