Quote Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
    1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
    2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
    3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
    4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
    5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
    6. more...

    CLASSIC QUOTE: A quote from Sky News
    "Umm Qasr is a city similar to Southampton," UK defence minister Geoff Hoon said in the Commons yesterday.
    "He's either never been to Southampton, or he's never been to Umm Qasr," says a British squaddie patrolling Umm Qasr.
    Another soldier added: "There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us. It's more like Portsmouth."

    by Kurl
    'Twas the night before Ramadan, and all through Kabul,
    With the Taliban facing the end of their rule;
    Bin Laden was crouching, all snug in his lair,
    For soon he would hang in the town's public square;
    As he hid in his cave, dirt and rocks for his bed
    Our brave Special Forces will soon hand him his head;
    And then deep in his bunker, a THUNDEROUS CLAP!
    As Osama prepared for the ultimate nap.
    As our B-52s did relentlessly batter,
    All his troops and companions attempted to scatter.
    From their cavernous fortress, a near blinding flash,
    And the Taliban soldiers became corned beef hash.
    In December, Afghanistan's covered in snow,
    Will it slow our campaign? Hell, the answer is NO!
    Our resolve, it is strong, and our mission is clear,
    As we wipe off their faces that most hideous sneer.
    It will not be tomorrow, it may not be quick,
    For these goons spawn from evil, their motives are more...

    True quote from French President Jacques Chirac: "As far as I`m concerned, war always means failure. Obviously he was speaking for the French!

    It wasn't until after Sue Quirke had shredded the postcard that she discovered it was her tax rebate check - one of millions sent to Wisconsin taxpayers this week. "I just thought it was an advertisement for a free something or other," Quirke said. Quirke's bank has declined to take the check - which she patched back with tape - because it would not go through any of its machines. The state is sending $700 million in tax rebate checks to 2.5 million taxpayers as part of a tax relief package.
    The rebates feature a sales tax logo on the back and a quote from Gov. Tommy Thompson: "It's your money!" The state Department of Revenue said it included the logo and quote to prevent people from tossing the card out.
    But Willard Riemer, owner of Riemer's Flowers in Thiensville, said the quote from Thompson made him think the postcard was a piece of campaign literature.
    "Important stuff from the state usually comes in a yellow envelope," Riemer said. more...

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