"A Perfect Day" joke

For HER

08: 15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

08: 30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday

08: 45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.

09: 15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani oil

10: 00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer

10: 30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry

12: 00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe

12: 45 Catch sight of husband's/boyfriend's ex and notice that she has gained 7 kg

13: 00 Shopping with friends. Unlimited credit.

15: 00 Nap

16: 00 3 dozen red roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer

16: 15 Light workout at club followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says that he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body

17: 30 Choose outfit from expensive, designer wardrobe. Parade in front of full length mirror

19: 30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners / dancers

22: 00 Hot shower (alone)

22: 50 Carried to bed. Freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen

23: 00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

23: 15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

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For HIM

06: 00 Alarm

06: 15 Blow job

06: 30 Massive, satisfying dump whilst reading the sports pages

07: 00 Breakfast. Rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast - all cooked by naked buxom wench

07: 30 Limo arrives

07: 45 Several whiskeys en-route to airport

09: 15 Flight in personal Lear jet

09: 30 Limo to St. Andrew' s golf club (blow job en-route)

09: 45 Play front nine (2 under)

11: 45 Lunch. Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon

12: 15 Blow job

12: 30 Play back nine (4 under)

14: 15 Limo back to airport (several whiskeys)

14: 30 Fly to Monte Carlo

15: 30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)

16: 30 Land world record Marlin (1234lb) on light tackle.

17: 00 Fly home. Massage and hand job by Elle McPherson

18: 45 Shit, shower and shave

19: 00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and porn legalised

19: 45 Dinner. Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953); big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits

21: 00 Napoleon brandy and Cohiba cigar in front of wall-sized TV showing International Match of the Day. England 11: Germany 0.

22: 45 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies)

23: 30 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale

00: 15 Night cap blow job

00: 30 In bed alone

00: 35 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.