Alone Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    'Twas The Night Before Christmas,
    He Lived All Alone,
    In A One Bedroom House Made Of
    Plaster And Stone.
    I Had Come Down The Chimney
    With Presents To Give,
    And To See Just Who
    In This Home Did Live.
    I Looked All About,
    A Strange Sight I Did See,
    No Tinsel, No Presents,
    Not Even A Tree.
    No Stocking By Mantle,
    Just Boots Filled With Sand,
    And On The Wall Pictures
    Of Far Distant Lands.
    ith Medals And Badges,
    Awards Of All Kinds,
    A Sobering Thought
    Came To My Mind.
    For This House Was Different,
    So Dark And So Dreary,
    The Home Of A Warrior,
    Now I Could See Clearly.
    The Warrior Lay Sleeping,
    Silent, Alone,
    Curled Up On The Floor
    In This One Bedroom Home.
    The Face Was So Gentle,
    The Room In Such Disorder,
    Not How I Pictured
    A United States warrior.
    Was This The Hero
    Of Whom I'd Just Read?
    Curled Up On A Poncho,
    The Floor more...

    What do you call an ant that likes to be alone?
    An independ-ant.

    Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun and pawn shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.
    What I came across was a 100, 000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term
    adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
    Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
    I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be more...

    An elderly spinster called a lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see a lawyer about having a will prepared.

    The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The spinster replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

    The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

    The lawyer's first question was. "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

    She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $100, 000 in my savings account at the bank."

    The lawyer asked, "How would you like the $100, 000 more...

    An elderly gentlemen had been living with his spinster daughter for some years. One day, upon returning home he heard an unusual whirring noise. Wandering around the first floor, he noticed that the noise seemed to be coming from somewhere upstairs.
    He proceeded up the stairs to investigate. Walking around, he realized that the noise increased as he neared his daughters closed bedroom door. Whereupon he quickly open the door to make sure that everything was alright.
    He was astonished by the sight of his daughter, stretched out naked on her bed with a vibrator violently shaking in her hand.
    "Sylvie! What in tarnation is goin' on?" He shouted!
    Sylvie, without hesitation replied: "Daddy, I have needs! Isn't it obvious? I know that I'm not going to find anybody to marry, so please leave me alone, and shut the door on your way out."
    Somewhat chagrined, he retreated, and closed the door as he exited.
    Not too many days later, his daughter returned more...

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