Personal Jokes

My wife says I'm too nosey... at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B19293, Judge Lance Ito, PresidingWile E. Coyote, Plaintiff-vs. - Acme Company, DefendantOpening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote: My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, more...

These are from actual resumes: "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability." "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap." "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich." "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." "Number of dependents: 40." "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various." RESUME BLOOPERS "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous." "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions." REASONS FOR LEAVING MY more...

A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar and said, "Would you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes I would," she replied, "but, go ahead. I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway."
"OK, here goes," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man. "How many men have you slept with?"
"That's my business!" snapped the woman.
"Cool!" replied the young man. "I didn't realize you made a living at it!"

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward and continued, "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?""Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.""Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."