Avoid Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
    Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
    Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar more...

    Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
    Stop exercising. Waste of time.
    Read less. Makes you think.
    Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
    Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
    Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
    Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
    Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see
    the largest ball of twine.
    Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
    Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
    Not have eight children at once.
    Get in a whole NEW rut!
    Start being superstitious.
    Personal goal: bring back disco.
    Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
    Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
    Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo
    Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
    Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic
    Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a
    chain or rope for a belt.
    Spend my more...

    This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of NavalOperations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS #1: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."#2: "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."#1: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."#2: "No, I say again divert YOUR course."#1: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!"#2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call?"

    To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

    Nowe u two can rite gud! Howe two rite gudFrank L. ViscoVice-president and Senior Copywriter at US Advertising.My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:Avoid alliteration. Always.Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)Employ the vernacular.Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.Contractions aren't necessary.Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.One should never generalize.Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: ''I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.''Comparisons are as bad as cliches.Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.Profanity sucks dick.Be more or less specific.Understatement is always best.Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.One-word sentences? Never.Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.The passive more...

  • Recent Activity