"Attainable New Year's Resolutions" joke

Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Read less. Makes you think.
Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see
the largest ball of twine.
Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
Not have eight children at once.
Get in a whole NEW rut!
Start being superstitious.
Personal goal: bring back disco.
Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo
system.
Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic
words.
Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a
chain or rope for a belt.
Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
Not eat cloned meat.
Create loose ends.
Get more toys.
Get further in debt.
Not believe politicians.
Break at least one traffic law.
Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
Stay off the MIR space station.
Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
Not swim with piranhas or sharks.
Associate with even worse business clients.
Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of
them.
Wait around for opportunity.
Focus on the faults of others.
Mope about my faults.

Yo mama is so stupid, it took her an hour to make minute rice!

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I farted in an elevator yesterday... it was wrong on so many levels.

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A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and more...

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A local business was looking for office help and put up a sign saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the more...

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A couple just moved into hotel. And the hotel clerk asks the man after helping him with his luggage.- Anything else? - NO, thanks, - Maybe, your wife needs something? - Oh, yeah. Thank you for your reminder. Do you sell greeting cards ?

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