"Attainable New Year's Resolutions" joke

Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Read less. Makes you think.
Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see
the largest ball of twine.
Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
Not have eight children at once.
Get in a whole NEW rut!
Start being superstitious.
Personal goal: bring back disco.
Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo
system.
Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic
words.
Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a
chain or rope for a belt.
Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
Not eat cloned meat.
Create loose ends.
Get more toys.
Get further in debt.
Not believe politicians.
Break at least one traffic law.
Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
Stay off the MIR space station.
Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
Not swim with piranhas or sharks.
Associate with even worse business clients.
Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of
them.
Wait around for opportunity.
Focus on the faults of others.
Mope about my faults.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

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Why is santa claus always so happy?
He knows where all of the bad girls live!

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A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few more...

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An old married couple were driving down the road one day when suddenly the woman punched her husband right in the face. He shouted, "what the hell was that for?". She replied, "That was for 50 years of the worst sex I ever had!" As they continued down the more...

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Person 1: Knock, Knock
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Cows go.
Person 2: Cows go who?
Person 1: No, silly! Cows go moo!

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