Seeking Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus.
    THE NAME - Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith - now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.
    THE ADDRESS - Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!
    THE PHONE NUMBER - Skip it. What are the odds they'll call - 1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or more...

    "WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds translations
    Artist means: Unreliable
    Average looking means: You figure this one out
    Beautiful means: Pathological liar

    "WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds translations
    Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!
    Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise
    Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin

    Actual personal ads from actual newspapers all across America as collected by Kathy Hinckley in "Plain Fat Chick Seeks Guy Who Likes Broccoli".
    I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.
    SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced, Rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad. My neck is all yours. BITE ME.
    Don't call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 5'10"; over 40 years old, 6'8", 230 pounds; like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced. Others feel free.
    Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment more...

    "WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds translations
    Educated means: College dropout
    Emotionally Secure means: Medicated
    Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

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