Figure Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    ALL DIET FAQ's answered...
    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
    So a kabab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
    Need grain?
    Eat chicken.
    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
    Its only the misconception, that narrow minded people have. So, Bottoms up!
    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!
    Q: Is swimming good more...

    Several dozen brunette, redhead, and blonde guys were facing execution via firing squad. The firing squad took the brunettes first, and the leader said "Ready, aim... " at which point the brunettes yelled "Earthquake!!!".
    The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out whether there was an earthquake or not, the brunette guys all took off and escaped. Undaunted, the firing squad took the redheads next, and the leader again said "Ready, aim... " at which point the redheads
    yelled "Tornado!!!".
    The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out which direction the tornado was coming from, the redhead guys all took off and escaped. The firing squad took the blonde guys last, and by now the blondes had it all figured out; when the right time came just yell out the name of some natural disaster. So when the firing squad leader said "Ready, aim... ", the blonde guys more...

    New, from Mattel...!
    New MIGHTY-MORPHIN'-JESUS action figures!
    With realistic healing and smiting action!
    [child #1]
    "Aaannggg... Oh no! G.I. Joe is hit... Cobra leader is
    getting away!"
    [whirring sound... Mighty-Morphin-Jesus' eyes light and head spins]
    [child #1 in Jesus voice]
    "You are healed my son... now go forth and kick some ass."
    [child #2 in G.I. Joe voice]
    "Thanks J-man., Let's go Joes!"
    Now you're in control... fight the forces of evil with new
    Mighty-Morphin-Jesus the action figure.
    [Action shot of Jesus figure and He-Man battling Skeletor]
    He's back from the dead and he's pissed.
    [child #2 in Skeletor voice]
    "So Jesus, we meet again... will you never learn that evil
    is stronger than good?"
    [child #1 in Jesus voice]
    "That may be, my unholy friend, but I know something even more...

    1. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
    2. No food is allowed in the hall in high school.
    In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
    3. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.
    4. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at
    the teacher's guide.
    5. In college, there are no tardy slips.
    6. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you
    get to live with your friends.
    7. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
    8. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.)
    9. In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to
    choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the
    prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.
    10. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your more...

    Review: The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95 The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetryin which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes andbold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably GreenEggs and Ham, If I Ran the Zoo, and Why Can't I Shower WithMommy? In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under thepseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freudin a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two youngchildren understand their own frustrated sexuality.The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through thewindow of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, alarge tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, tauntingthe children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexualyearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to themost unlearned reader, the blatant references to theincestuous relationship the two share more...

  • Recent Activity