Hands Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
    When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
    'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
    'Actually, no,' he replies.
    'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
    'I'm afraid I can't,' breathes the barman, clearly aroused. 'Is there anything I can do?'
    ‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,' she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. 'Tell him,' she says, 'that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' toilet.'

    A blonde lady goes into an auto parts store and asks for a seven-ten cap.
    All the clerks look at each other, and one says, "What's a seven-ten cap?"
    She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost and some how and I need a new one."
    "What kind of a car is it on?" the clerk asked.
    "It's a Toyota."
    "Okay lady, how big is it?"
    She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
    The clerk asks, "What does it do?"
    "I don't know, but its always been there."
    By now, the manager has come over. He hands the lady a note pad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. The customer carefully draws a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. In the center she writes "710."
    The guys behind the counter, who are looking at the drawing upside down, can barely control their laughter as the boss walks to a shelf, grabs an OIL cap and puts in on the more...

    At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
    After dinner one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
    As she comes back the male doctor says I bet you are a surgeon.
    She confirms and asks how he knew.
    Easy youre always washing your hands.
    She then says I bet youre an anesthesiologist.
    Male doctor: Wow how did you guess?
    Female doctor: I didnt feel a thing.

    There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers.
    One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill.
    He told the uncle to ask him an addition question.
    So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"
    The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."
    The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."
    So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?"
    The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."

    A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
    Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's ever had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.
    Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.
    Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
    Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and more...

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