Contractor Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A building contractor, working on a job that would take several months, was being paid weekly. Looking at the check he had just received, he approached the owner of the property.
    "Excuse me, but this check is two hundred and fifty dollars less than we had agreed upon," he said.
    "Yes, I know," said the owner. "Last week I overpaid you by two hundred and fifty dollars and you never complained."
    "I don't mind an occasional mistake," replied the contractor, "but when it starts to be a habit I feel I have to bring it to your attention."

    A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
    In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
    In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
    The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
    "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

    An Italian man immigrates to America. He starts sweeping floors in a pizzeria, and after 15 years works his way up to owning a small chain of pizzerias.

    He decides to have his own house designed and built for him. And it is going to have everything!

    One day he is talking to the contractor and said, "Makea you sure you puta plenty da halo statues inna da house. I wanna hava lotsa da halo statues. One inna every room, even da bathroom."The contractor, realizing his client must be a very religious person, carefully plans a niche in every room, and personally searches for the perfect statue for each niche.

    Finally, the house is finished. The Italian man walks through his new home for the first time. The contractor points out all the features, and finally the Italian man said, "But wherea are alluh my halo statues? I wanna lotsa halo statues!"

    And the contractor points to the niches and said, "I put a statue in every more...

    A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he’d been given. “This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on, ” he said. “I know, ” the owner said, “But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained. ” The contractor said, “Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention. ”

    Found posted in the Physical Planning Office at the Indiana University
    of Pennsylvania. Author unknown.
    Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
    Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
    Bid - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
    Low Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he left out.
    Engineer's Estimate - The cost of construction in heaven.
    Project Manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician
    is in a different union.
    Critical Path Method - A management technique for losing your shirt
    under perfect control.
    OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print,
    red tape, split hairs and baloney-usually applied at
    random with a shotgun.
    Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
    Delayed Payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
    Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages more...

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