"Are you a real engineer?" joke

Real engineers wear jewelry made from discarded motherboards.
Contrary to popular belief, real engineers do put on nail polish; they just never remove it.
Real engineers schedule their yearly Pap smear around their beta release schedule.
Real engineers not only nurse and program at the same time, but they lull their babies to sleep by the clacking of the keyboard.
Real engineers buy their husbands matching screwdrivers for Christmas, but use them more than he does.
Real engineers get narcotics during labor, not for the pain, but to stop them from taking the fetal distress monitor apart.
Real engineers don't shave their legs above the hemline, in the interest of efficiency.
Also in the interest of efficiency, real engineers buy convertibles so they can blow-dry their hair on the way to work in the morning.
Real engineers carry 2 cans of soup, a yogurt (and a spoon), a box of Triscuits and a package of light Hostess Cupcakes in their purses at all times, in case they pull an all-nighter.
Real engineers only buy purses big enough to fit their laptops in.
Real engineers only wear slipon shoes (with or without heels) so she can take them off to sit cross legged in her chair while programming.
Real engineers keep getting thrown out of Vicoria's Secrest because they insist on knowing the exact tensile strength of their bras before buying them.
Real engineers are excited at their first periods, but mostly because its gives them a chance to use the biometric viscosity measurement tools in their science kits.
Real engineers carry a set of matched screwdrivers in their purses.
Real engineers figure out how to nurse and fix the toaster at the same time.
Real engineers fix the runs in their pantyhose with duct tape.
Real engineers figure out algorithms to minimize thread usage when doing counted cross stitch.
Real engineers keep their key chains and pen pocket protectors on even during labor.
Real Engineers look on having a baby as an opportunity to brush up on biomedical and structural engineering in preparation for taking the PE exam.
Real engineers cinch their biking skirts with cable ties.
Real engineers read the toxic shock inserts in the tampon box.
Real engineers examine the inner workings of the fetal monitor between contractions.
Real engineers make cantilevered birthday cakes (but never provide documentation on how to cut them!)
Real engineers never spell in front of the kids; they'd like to, but they can't!

Here it is nicely illustrated:
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each more...


What do you call Napoleon after a bomb has hit him?
Napoleon Blown Apart


Why is santa claus always so happy?
He knows where all of the bad girls live!


Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.


I farted in an elevator yesterday... it was wrong on so many levels.

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