Schedule Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal more...

    1. You can name everyone you graduated with
    2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home
    3. You know what 4-H is
    4. You ever went to "headlight parties"
    5. You used to drag "main"
    6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour
    7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't
    8. You ever went cow-tipping
    9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties
    10. You have parties at the same guy's house
    12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events
    13. The town social events are their children's
    14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow)
    15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and more...

    You Know You're From a Small Town When...
    The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
    The local phone book has only one yellow page.
    Third Street is on the edge of town.
    You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
    You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.
    No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
    You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.
    Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.
    The city limits signs are both on the same post!
    The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.
    The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.
    The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions.
    Second Street is in the next town more...

    The Dictionary: what engineers say and what they mean by it

    Major Technological Breakthrough
    Back to the drawing board.
    Developed after years of intensive research
    It was discovered by accident.
    The designs are well within allowable limits
    We just made it, stretching a point or two.
    Test results were extremely gratifying
    It works, and are we surprised!
    Customer satisfaction is believed assured
    We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all.
    Close project coordination
    We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.
    Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties
    We are working on something else.
    The design will be finalized in the next reporting period
    We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
    A number of different approaches are being tried
    We don't know where we're going, but more...

    A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.
    "Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417. 58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.
    "What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.
    "Your right. It's mine."

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