Secure Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Why was the robber so secure? He was a safe robber.

    My job is secure. No one else wants it.

    A List of Abbreviations in the "Women Seeking Men" Classifieds.
    Code Word: 40-ish
    Really Means: 48
    Code Word: Adventurous
    Really Means: Has had more partners than you ever will
    Code Word: Affectionate
    Really Means: Possessive
    Code Word: Artist
    Really Means: Unreliable
    Code Word: Athletic
    Really Means: Flat chested
    Code Word: Average looking
    Really Means: Ugly
    Code Word: Beautiful
    Really Means: Pathological liar
    Code Word: Commitment-minded
    Really Means: Pick out curtains, now!
    Code Word: Communication important
    Really Means: Just try to get a word in edge-wise
    Code Word: Contagious Smile
    Really Means: Bring your penicillin
    Code Word: Educated
    Really Means: College dropout
    Code Word: Emotionally Secure
    Really Means: Medicated
    Code Word: Employed
    Really Means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
    Code Word: Enjoys art and opera
    Really Means: Snob
    Code more...

    40-ish means: 48
    Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will
    Affectionate means: Possessive
    Artist means: Unreliable
    Average looking means: You figure this one out
    Beautiful means: Pathological liar
    Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!
    Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise
    Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin
    Educated means: College dropout
    Emotionally Secure means: Medicated
    Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
    Enjoys art and opera means: Snob
    Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola
    Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian
    Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street
    Free spirit means: Substance abuser
    Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut
    Fun means: Annoying
    Gentle means: Comatose
    Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her
    Humorous means: more...

    Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord...

    1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.

    2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

    3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

    4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

    5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of more...

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