Secure Jokes

Why was the robber so secure? He was a safe robber.

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

A List of Abbreviations in the "Women Seeking Men" Classifieds.
Code Word: 40-ish
Really Means: 48
Code Word: Adventurous
Really Means: Has had more partners than you ever will
Code Word: Affectionate
Really Means: Possessive
Code Word: Artist
Really Means: Unreliable
Code Word: Athletic
Really Means: Flat chested
Code Word: Average looking
Really Means: Ugly
Code Word: Beautiful
Really Means: Pathological liar
Code Word: Commitment-minded
Really Means: Pick out curtains, now!
Code Word: Communication important
Really Means: Just try to get a word in edge-wise
Code Word: Contagious Smile
Really Means: Bring your penicillin
Code Word: Educated
Really Means: College dropout
Code Word: Emotionally Secure
Really Means: Medicated
Code Word: Employed
Really Means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Code Word: Enjoys art and opera
Really Means: Snob
Code more...

40-ish means: 48
Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate means: Possessive
Artist means: Unreliable
Average looking means: You figure this one out
Beautiful means: Pathological liar
Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin
Educated means: College dropout
Emotionally Secure means: Medicated
Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera means: Snob
Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian
Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street
Free spirit means: Substance abuser
Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun means: Annoying
Gentle means: Comatose
Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her
Humorous means: more...

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord...

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of more...