"Classified Ad Bloopers!" joke

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

Free Yorkshire Terrior.
8 years-old. Hateful little dog.
----------------------------------
Free Puppies:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel
1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog
----------------------------------
Free Puppies:
Part German Shepherd
Part Stupid Dog
----------------------------------
German Shepherd - 85lbs.
Neutered. Speaks German. Free!
----------------------------------
1 Man, 7 Women hot tub -- $850/offer
----------------------------------
Amana Washer $100.
Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
----------------------------------
Snow blower for sale.
Only used on snowy days.
----------------------------------
2 Wire mesh butchering gloves:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.
----------------------------------
Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box,
Comes with its own
1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto
Excellent Condition, $6, 800.
----------------------------------
83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2, 000
----------------------------------
Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15
----------------------------------
Soft & Genital Bath Tissues
or Facial Tischue - $. 89
----------------------------------
Full-Sized Mattress
20 Year Warranty
Like New! Slight urine smell.
----------------------------------
FREE 1 Can of Pork & Beans
With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home
----------------------------------
Nordic Track $300
Hardly used. Call Chubbie.
----------------------------------
Bill's Septic Cleaning
"We Haul American Made Products"
----------------------------------
Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks
----------------------------------
HUMMELS - Largest Selection Ever!
"If it's in stock, we have it!"
----------------------------------
Get a Little John:
The Traveling Urinal
Holds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer.
----------------------------------
Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club
----------------------------------
Georgia Peaches
California Grown - $. 89/lb.
----------------------------------
Nice Parachute
Never Opened - Used Once
Slightly Stained
----------------------------------
American Flag
60 Stars - Pole Included - $100
----------------------------------
Tired of Working for only $9. 75 per hour?
We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.
Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour.
----------------------------------
Exercise Equipment
Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175
----------------------------------
Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob!
And it's made of 100% Italian Leather.
----------------------------------
Joining Nudist Colony!
Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300
----------------------------------
Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty.
----------------------------------
Alzheimer's Center Prepares
for an Affair to Remember
----------------------------------
Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell
----------------------------------
Open House!
Body Shapers Toning Salon
Free Coffee & Donuts
----------------------------------
Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1. 99/box.
----------------------------------
Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann $2. 09/lb.
----------------------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes - Excellent condition.
$1, 000. 00 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like "data input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.
Now that I've worked in a more...

2
0

What's the difference between a schlomozel and a schlemeil?
A schlomozel is the guy who walks past a second floor window-ledge and knocks the flower pot off..
A schlemeil is the guy walking underneath....

1
0

China, New Zealand, New England, and Samoa were all building a big Tower for their leaders. So after they were done building the tower each leader wanted to make a toast. China went first. He steps up and says, "I want to make a toast to the Great Wall of China!" All more...

52
35

A cop pulled a guy over for speeding at which time the following conversation was exchanged:
Cop: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: Sorry, I don't have one. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Cop: May I see the owner's card for the more...

157
32

A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, an acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him. The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here Fred?" The man replies, " I am waiting to more...

1
0
Be first to comment!
remember me
follow replies
Funny Joke? 1 vote(s). 100% are positive. 0 comment(s).