Stuff Jokes / Recent Jokes

1) pretendyoudontknowwhatthespacebaris
2) no caps or puncuation at all seriously it really annoys people
3) Abb. or shorten evry othr wrd it wrks rly wel
4) UsE cApS oN aNd OfF lIkE tHiS
5) 1337
5) maik rly stoopid spelng mistaiks liek dis
6) Waste peoples' time.
7) Feing lost of tyops (Feign lots of typos)
9) N vwls. (No vowls.)
10) Capitalize Every Word Lots Of People Do It And It Really Works
11) 1337. s3R10u5|Y. D0 u N0 |-|0// mUc|-| 17 4N0y5 pp| 1F u U53 17 1n c0njUnC710N /// c|-|475p33K? (Leet. Seriously. Do you know how much it annoys people if you use it in conjunction with chatspeak?)
12) Act like a 3 year old.
13) Call everyone "Honey" or "Dear" as in, "Sorry, dear, but we can't do anything about it." or "Don't worry, Hun, it won't help to do that"
14) Ask a whole bunch of questions and don't answer any.
15) Subsitute a hole lot of stuff more...

Information's pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience.

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff!". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone more...

Day 1 Dear Emile, Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it las
night with dirty rice an it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree
would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.
Day 2 Dear Emile, Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got
was 2 scrawny pigeon.
Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem.
Day 3 Dear Emile, Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I’m tired of
eating dem darned bird. I gave two of those prissy French chicken to
Mrs. Fontenot over at Grand Chenier, and fed the tird one to my dog,
Phideaux. Mrs. Fontenot needed some sparring partners for her fighting
Day 4 Dear Emile, Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez
four, what you call “calling bird” wuz so noisy you could hear dem all
da’ way to Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed the
rest of dem to the gators.
Day 5 Dear Emile, You finally sent more...

Martha's Way:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Martha's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Woman's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's Way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
The Real Woman's Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too more...

There was a wizened old country doctor who could treat anything. Well it seems one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office with three complaints. "Doc," he said, "I can`t taste nothin`, I can`t tell the truth, and I can`t remember nothin` besides." Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back, and made of two capsules full with cowdung, and gave them both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well. Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chewing, then yelled out, "Yeachhhh... This stuff tastes like shit." "Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you can taste, and you`re certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that you`re memory is acting up, just take the other pill." And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way, and never did hear no trouble from him much after that.

There are several kinds of doctors, and it is more...

One day in Soweto a delivery truck pulls up outside the Mandela house. The driver gets out and unloads al pile of boxes on to the front lawn. At this point Winnie Mandela arrives back from shopping and accosts the driver: "What are you doing? What is all this stuff on my garden!"
"Look lady," says the driver "see this paper it say 150 car batteries for Nelson Mandela."
And with that he jumps in his truck and drives off.
The next day The truck again pulls up outside the Mandela house and the driver starts to unload. This time Winnie runs out shouting: "What are you doing now?"
"Lokk lady, It says here 200 brake shoes for Nelson Mandela"
"But what does my Nelson want with 200 Brake shoes and 150 batteries, take them away!" shouts Winnie
"No lady I have to leave them or I get the sack", says the driver who has now finished throwing boxes on to the grass, and drives off.
The following day the more...