Parenting Jokes / Recent Jokes
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark. ”
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark, ” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you. ”
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there? ”
“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him, ” she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom? ”
Osama Bin Laden's son, Omar, revealed in a book that Osama's parenting style was cruel and unusual. Well gee, who could have ever seen THAT coming?
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight? ” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, dear, ” she said. “I have to sleep with Daddy. ”
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy. ”
With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic.
To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies.
I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.
As a reminder, I wrote at the top: “IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN. ”
When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:
“Mom, you may be a bit old-fashioned, but you are not ‘out of it. ”‘
Today is one of the first Father’s Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn’t have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In 1900, a father’s horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it’s the size of his minivan.
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family’s head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that’s just the vacation home.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn’t touch Dad’s clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family more...
Things Mom Would Never Say
“How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back? ”
“Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too”
“Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery”
“Let me smell that shirt - Yeah, it’s good for another week”
“Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day”
“Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me. ”
“The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here. ”
“I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve”
“Don’t bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve”
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart! ”
“Is this her first child? ” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot! ” the man shouts. “This is her *husband*! ”