Oracle Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
O Oracle most Usenet, How may I become usenet, too?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle: First, go unto John, who will baptize you in the River Usenet, asking you:
"Do you believe in the Net our God?" (respond, "I do.")
"Do you believe in the World-Wide Web?"
"Do you believe that the Web became man, was contaminated, died, and was buried, and rose in Version 3.0?"
"Do you believe that the Web will come again, on the day of the Information Superhighway?"
"Do you believe in the Holy Seer, the Oracle, giver of life?"
"Do you renounce the devil, Mephistopheles, Bill Gates, and all the incarnations of Satan?"
"Do you renounce his programs and temptations?"
If you can faithfully answer yes to these questions, you will be given Usenet, the gift of the Holy Seer. Prepare yourself, for the day of the more...

Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling." The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times." Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century." We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich." Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if more...

Diary of an AOL User July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is thebest online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd betterhold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect.I don't know what is wrong.July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs amodem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he thinkI am? July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn'tfit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old nextdoor did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Onlinefor me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that'sjust another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does theseservices for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me themodem. They didn't even more...

Diary of an AOL User.
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd
better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I
can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and
he does these services for people. more...

These
Oracularities were rated as the funniest by its readers (average rating
above 4 on a scale of 1 to 5).
The regular Oracularities postings can be found in alt.humor.oracle.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
Why did God invent relativity?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Well, it all started on March 12, 1867. Me and Lucifer and God and
Death and a couple of other guys got really hammered, see, and we were
shooting dice together, and Luci was really cleaning up. (I still think
the dice were fixed, but I don't know for sure.) Anyway, God got low on
cash, and Luci got this idea that he'd stake him, but if God lost, he'd
have to let Luci rewrite some laws of physics. Naturally, God didn't
like the idea, but Luci suggested that me and Thanatos could help, and
eventually agreed to the idea (did I mention we were all extremely
plastered?). Anyway, God lost, and me and Luci and more...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
1010010010100010101000110011000010110111010010100
1100001010110000110111001100101010000101101100010
1100000101101101010011001110110100101010101110001
1010*01010101010101010101101010011010101010101110
0010101000110100101010010110101001010101101010101
0101010101010101001011001011011001011010100101010
1100101010110010101010100000101010111100101010100
1101010 011010100110010101010101000100101101001010
1010110100011010111100110111000010011110o10011101
0011011100000100100011110011100100011110001100001
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:... Talk about an over-byte!

This question was posted to the Usenet Oracle:
If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side
down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it
will land on it's feet. But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread,
butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat
land on it's feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to
deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must
hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that
the cat can not smash it's furry back. If the combined construct were to land,
nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not
fall.
That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have
discovered more...