Usenet Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Climate/Terrain: Any Usenet
    newsgroup
    Frequency: Common
    Organization: Thread
    Activity cycle: Any
    Diet: Lusers
    Intelligence: Low (3-5)
    Treasure: None
    Alignment: Chaotic evil
    (neutral)
    No. Appearing: 1
    Armour Class: n/a
    Movement: 'c'
    Hit Dice: 100
    THAC0: n/a
    No. of Attacks: n/a
    Damage/Attack: n/a
    Special Attacks: See
    below
    Special Defences: See
    below
    Magic Resistance: 100%
    Size: Exists as mental force
    only
    Morale: Elite (14)
    XP Value: 1,800
    The Usenet troll (Trollicus useneticus bloodyirritatingus) is an evil
    mental parasite found in all areas of Usenet, where it preys upon the
    brains of lusers (Homo stultissimus). Most clueful people avoid these
    creatures, since Usenet trolls know no fear and attack unceasingly,
    demanding responses from their prey.
    Usenet trolls are immune to flames (Flammae useneticae), which is
    unfortunate, as most will try to attack them more...

    Diary of an AOL User.
    July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
    the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd
    better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I
    can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
    July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
    modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
    think I am?
    July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
    wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
    July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
    next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.
    July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
    Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
    says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and
    he does these services for people. more...

    July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
    July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
    July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
    July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.
    July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They more...

    Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
    O Oracle most Usenet, How may I become usenet, too?
    And in response, thus spake the Oracle: First, go unto John, who will baptize you in the River Usenet, asking you: "Do you believe in the Net our God?" (respond, "I do.") "Do you believe in the World-Wide Web?" "Do you believe that the Web became man, was contaminated, died, and was buried, and rose in Version 3. 0?" "Do you believe that the Web will come again, on the day of the Information Superhighway?" "Do you believe in the Holy Seer, the Oracle, giver of life?" "Do you renounce the devil, Mephistopheles, Bill Gates, and all the incarnations of Satan?" "Do you renounce his programs and temptations?" If you can faithfully answer yes to these questions, you will be given Usenet, the gift of the Holy Seer. Prepare yourself, for the day of the more...

    The Ten Commandments
    1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard on the opposite sexes genetalia
    2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one
    3. Thou shall kiss at every given opportunity
    4. If thou kissed someone, and was slapped, thou shalt not kiss her again.
    5. Thou shall never bite when in the act of french kissing
    6. Thou shall not pay for sexual intercourse
    7. Thou shall not date members of state or Musicians
    8. Thou shall not have sexual intercourse in public convieniences.
    9. thou should never turn down free sexual intercourse
    10. Procreate at will
    Religions of the world
    Taoism: Shit happens
    Confucianism: Confucius say, shit happens
    Hinduism: This shit has happened before
    Buddhism: Shit happens, yet shit does not happen
    Islam: Shit happens, is Allah wills
    Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?
    Protestantism: Let shit happen to other people
    Catholicism: If shit more...

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