Old People Jokes / Recent Jokes

With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00,there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and senior discount of $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for:
1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.3. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There is a city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, more...

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?""Did we land or were we shot down?"

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?""Yup, we sure are," Roy replied."Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.A closed mouth gathers no foot.I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.A dropped wrench will always end up exactly 1/2 inch beyond your reach.

After the death of a never-married 94-year-old spinster, the rector was given a note from her personal belongings.In the woman's handwriting were specific instructions for her funeral service. Along with the suggestions for Scripture readings and music were the following orders:"There will be no male pallbearers. Since they wouldn't take me out when I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

The police recently busted a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me"."Why not", he asks.She answers back, "Because I'm dead".The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another".The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"