Old People Jokes / Recent Jokes
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the more...
An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited."The food and service were great!" he said.His friend asked, "What's the name of the place?""Gee, I don't remember," he said, "What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?""You mean a rose?" asked his friend."That's it!" he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?"
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?""Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk."That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
1. Sag - You're It!2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear4. Kick the Bucket5. Doc, Doc, Goose6. Simon Says Something Incoherent7. Hide and Go Sleep8. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta9. Musical Recliners
1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals. 3. You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere. 4. Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D. 5. Your children begin to look middle aged. 6. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall. 7. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet. 8. You look forward to a dull evening. 9. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today." 10. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons. 11. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. 12. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't. 14. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course. 15. Your back goes out more than you do. 17. Your Pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl. 18. The little old gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife. more...
An elderly couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me.""Why not?" he asks.She answers back, "Because I'm dead."The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"His wife answers, "I know I'm dead,' cause I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"