Old People Jokes / Recent Jokes

A is for apple, and B is for Boat,

that used to be right, but now it won't float.

Age before attractiveness is what we once said,

but let's be a spot more realistic instead.

Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,

C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.

D is for dental decay and decline;

E is for eyesight, can't understand that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas, which I'd slightly not mention.

H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.

K is for knees that fracture when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a more...

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man. Then there was a short moment of silence. "Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his
lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The more...

Walking through a supermarket, a young man noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her for a while, but when he got to the checkout line, she got in front of him."Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if I've been staring, but you look just like me son who died recently."I'm sorry for your loss," the young man replied. "Is there anything I can do for you?""Well, as I'm leaving, could you just say' Goodbye, mother!?' It would make me feel so much better." She gave him a sweet smile."Of course I can," the young man promised. As she gathered her bags and left, he called out "Goodbye, mother!" just as she had requested, feeling good about her smile. Stepping up to the counter, he saw that his total was about $100 higher than it should be. "That amount is wrong," he said. "I only have a few items!""Oh, your mother said that you would pay for her," explained the clerk.

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist.A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."She said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old; this hat is brand new!"

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn using the teeth."