Old People Jokes / Recent Jokes

A rabbi was called to a Miami Beach Nursing Home to perform a wedding.An anxious old man met him at the door. The rabbi sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions. "Do you love her?"The old man replied, "I guess.""Is she a good Jewish woman?""I don't know for sure," the old man answered."Does she have lots of money?" asked the rabbi."I doubt it.""Then why are you marrying her?" the rabbi asked."She can drive at night," the old man said

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people."They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.My Grandma more...

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindnessMy apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely."Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked,. .."And will your grandmother need a rental car?"

A little old woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line, please, that's a very unusual request?"Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in room 302."He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber - Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home more...

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

Two old men go to an escort service house. The madam asks them what they want. They say women.

She asks, "How old are you?" They say 90.
So she tells one of the girls to take them upstairs and put each of them in a room with a blow up doll. So they go upstairs and do their thing.
When they come back downstairs the first old man asks the other "How was it?"

The other one says "I think she was dead, she just layed there, how was yours?"
"I think mine was a witch."
"A witch?"
"Yeah, I bit her on the tit, she farted and flew out the window."