Old People Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man climbed in to bed for the first time with his new bride, he asked, "Did your mother tell you what to do on your wedding night?"

"Yes," she cooed, kissing him lightly, "She told me everything."

"Good," said the elderly gentleman as he turned out the light, "because I've forgotten."

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his left leg that doesn't heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain. The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there's nothing I can do about it." The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! It is illogical! That just can't be!" The doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?" The patient answers, "I'm no doctor, but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all, my right leg feels just fine." "So what?" says the doctor in a bit of a professional huff, "What difference does that more...

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years.Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"Gus replied, "Why, ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all.""Memory school? What memory school?"Gus thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower. . . ""A rose?" asked Red."Yeah, that's it!" Gus turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"Patient: "Well, let me have the bad news first."Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."Patient: "Oh no! That's just awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other,' 'How do you really feel? I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?''' 'Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.''

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but more...