Old People Jokes / Recent Jokes
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, more...
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer
was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the
telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't
remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying' yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.Kidnappers are not very interested in you.Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.Your eyes won't get much worse.Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.Things you buy now won't wear out.No one expects you to run into a burning building..There's nothing left to learn the hard way.Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now."I would like my grandchildren to say,' He was successful in business'," declared the first man."Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say,' He was a loyal family man'."Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?""Me?" the third man replied. "I want them all to say, "He certainly looks good for his age'!"
Kidnappers are not very interested in you. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. No one expects you to run into a burning building. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now won't wear out. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m. You can live without sex (but not without glasses). You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You sing along with the elevator music. Your eyes won't get much worse. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember more...
Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere. Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D. Your children are beginning to look middle-aged. Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep. You look forward to a dull evening. Your knees buckle and your belt won't. Your back goes out more than you do. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there. You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.