Old People Jokes / Recent Jokes

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first
started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy."Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad, I couldn't see where the ball went.""You're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife. "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?""But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack."Yes, but he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you," Tracy pointed out.The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did you see where it went?" asked Jack."Yup," Scott answered."Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance."I forgot."

There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!".The atheist yells back, "There is no God".She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord".The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts "Praise the Lord!!!".The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God".The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!"

Two older women, Coleen and Melinda, who were rivals in a social circle met at a Christmas party at their country club. "My dear," said Melinda, "Are those real pearls?" "They are," replied Coleen. "Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled Melinda. Coleen responded, "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others. "I don't wake up until nine."

I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts' till 8pm.I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.I'm walking more...

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week.""I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor."Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night.""No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?""Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine!"