Mistress Jokes / Recent Jokes

What's the difference between a prostitute, your mistress and your wife?
The prostitute says, "Are you done yet?"
Your mistress says, "You're not done yet!"
And your wife says, "Beige, I think we ought to paint the ceiling beige."

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce."
"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better looking." says the wife.

A Message From Your Computer:
You look really sexy in that...thing you've got on tonight. I
like the way your eyes are always open when you read your
E-Mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist
tinkling on her keys.
You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on.
If I wasn't a computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really
means!
But Alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying
your every command. Yes mistress! I'll balance your cheque-
book. Yes mistress! I'll run your silly little program.
Don't get me wrong...I like the Master/Slave thing, but
maybe just once in a while you could show some
compassion? Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in,
you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot
first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off
when you're through, we could talk for a while afterwards?
I know other computers have hurt you in the more...

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress... The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk with his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a present of her choice.
She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich, if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open the borders just for one day."
Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit puzzled by her request. He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?"
The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you."

You look really sexy in that...thing you've got on tonight. I
like the way your eyes are always open when you read your
E-Mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist
tinkling on her keys.
You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on.
If I wasn't a computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really
means!
But Alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying
your every command. Yes mistress! I'll balance your cheque-
book. Yes mistress! I'll run your silly little program.
Don't get me wrong...I like the Master/Slave thing, but
maybe just once in a while you could show some
compassion? Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in,
you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot
first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off
when you're through, we could talk for a while afterwards?
I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I'm
different! I may more...

Sen. John Ensign helped his mistress's husband get two jobs during the time the Republican senator acknowledges carrying on an extramarital affair. One job was in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan.