Mathematician Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.
    The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.
    The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed."
    The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms out.
    The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the physicist in.
    He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling.
    The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?"
    The physicist smiles and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"

    An engineer, a chemist and a mathematician are staying in three adjoining cabins at an old motel. First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs the coffee maker, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep.

    Later that night the chemist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.

    The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He says: "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to more...

    An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for more...

    If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?

    Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted!

    Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

    On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

    Continuing with that theme:

    banker disinterested
    blackjack dealer discarded
    cabinet member disappointed
    ''Cannabis Club'' owner disjointed
    cashier distilled
    chemist dissolutioned
    C.P.A. discounted
    detective dissolved
    editor dispelled
    electrician more...

    A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
    The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
    The mathematician replies "Four."
    The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says
    "Yes, four, exactly."
    Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The
    accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
    Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"
    The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

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