Kurt Jokes / Recent Jokes

I don't know if you saw Oprah a few days ago, but the winners of the "Young People Write an Essay About the Holocaust Contest" were announced. Fifty young people from around the country were selected to appear on Oprah's show and read portions of their essays, then watch Oprah cry with a real-life Holocaust survivor. Why do I think the contest was rigged? It's because my essay was not chosen, even though I am a young person and, like Oprah, I totally believe in angels.

Luckily, I have a forum for my essay (Which my angels helped me write, by the way.) on Daily Comedy. Here it is. I think that after reading it you will agree that my holocaust essay's not being chosen is the biggest travesty in history since the holocaust.
Oprah is Better Than Hitler
An Essay by Kurt Metzger and Angels

Hi, my name is Kurt and I hate the holocaust. It was totally not cool. If I ever had the chance to meet Hitler, I would tell him that he is a jerk and his mustache did more...

Great news! Kurt Metzger has begun writing a How-To book about standup comedy! It's called "How To Do Comedy!" by Kurt Metzger. It is almost entirely lifted from the shitty book by Judy Carter about standup, except I made it better!
Here is an excerpt! Enjoy!
Chapter 1
P. 1- Intro.
Do you think you are funny? Are people constantly laughing and pointing at your many handicaps? Do people wet their pants when you say things, or sometimes laugh so hard that they wet your pants? Do you dream of having your own sitcom about your hilarious times growing up as a fat Italian even though you are black? Do you have what it takes to pay me upwards of 15 American dollars for a book about standup comedy? If the answer is yes, then you, sir, may have the dedication and substance abuse problem it takes to become a working, standup comic! If you do, read on, but only if you are indeed a sir and not a ma'am, as women are not funny. (More on this topic in Chapter 3: Women are more...

Returning from a lengthy trip away, Kurt had very romantic hopes for his first night home. Sharing his hopes with his wife, she replied, "I'm sorry dear. I have cleaning and laundry to do. Another time, ok."
Kurt tried again the next night, only to have his wife tell him, "I just can't dear. I have this horrible headache, but give me a rain check."
By the third night, Kurt was growing very impatient. Approaching his wife once more, he said urgently, "How about it, honey?"
Snapping back at him, she said, "Look, this is the third night in the row. What the hell are you, a sex maniac?"

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.
"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition.""What is that?" Lisa asked."You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied."

Courtney Love, widow of Nirvana singer Kurt Cobain, says she plans to sell most of his belongings. She said it was an easy thing to do since she sold her soul to the devil a few years back.