Cigarette Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!

2 old ladies were outside smoking and one of the ladies put a condom on her cigarette before lighting it. The other lady looked and said "What are you doing?"
The first lady says "Oh, I just put this here condom on this cigarette and it gives it more flavor not to mention it keeps it dry when it rains. Just go to any store and get them."
So the first lady goes to the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if they have condoms.
"Well, of course we do....but do you mind if I ask how old you are?"
"75" the lady responds.
"Well good for you! Nice to see you are stil active. What kind of condoms do you need?"
The lady thinks for a moment and says
"Oh, anything that will fit a Camel."

Santa Singh tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first match on the seat of his pants, but it wouldn`t light. He tried another. It wouldn`t light. The third one finally lit. lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in his vest pocket.
"What for did you put that match in your vest pocket?"
"That`s a good match. I`ll use it again."

Knock KnockWhos there? Cigarette! Cigarette who? Cigarette life if you dont weaken!

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic - And that after shave is just wonderful!" The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realizing he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BASTARD. Oh my god you STINK. Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother!"
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.
"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds. "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits drinking, he notices a peanut jump out of the dish before him. The peanut proceeds to talk,' hey there buddy,' it hollers,' you're looking mighty fine tonight!'The guy can't believe what he is seeing.' This sure is some strong beer!' He thinks to himself before getting up to go to the toilet. On his way back to the bar, the guy walks past a cigarette machine which appears to speak, 'hey asshole, go screw yourself!' it yells. The guy can't believe it and decides to ask the bartender what's going on.' Hey bartender, I swear to god that one of those peanuts over there just started a conversation with me and on the way back from the men's room, your cigarette machine just swore at me.''Let me explain,' replies the bartender' the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order.'

Knock Knock Who's there? Cigarette! Cigarette who? Cigarette life if you don't weaken!