Cigarette Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy asked me for a cigarette yesterday with this approach. Do you have a spare cigarette?. to which i replied before counting 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19, but sorry none are spares, so the guy starts shouting at me for my comment. I told him to get fucked. and he's going on and on. before I said to him Listen buddy what part of get fucked dont you understand?

There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says: "I need a cigarette."
"But honey," his lover says. "The store closes in two minutes. You'll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed."
"That's okay," He quipps. "I'll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I'll pretend I'm a statue."
So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigaretts (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand.
The first nun walks over to the young man. "Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser!" She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls more...

A REALLY Bad Day

So you think you're having a bad day. The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing more...

A little boy comes home from school and asks his mother for some ice cream.
The mother is having a bad day and snaps, "NO!". The little boy turns and runs into his room.
After a minute, the mother feels bad she snapped and knocks on his door.
"Johnny, I'm sorry I snapped at you. Do you want to play a game or something?"
"Sure," Johnny replies. "How about we play Mommy and Daddy?"
"OK," says the mother. "How do we play?"
"You go upstairs and lay down on your bed."
The mother figures this is harmless, so she agrees and goes upstairs.
Meanwhile, Johnny rummages throught the closet and finds his dad's hat and coat. He digs in the ashtray to find a long cigarette butt.
After dressing and putting the cigarette in his mouth, he swaggers up the stairs.
There, on the bed, is his mother. Johnny marches in, walks up to the bed, and says, "Get your butt out of bed and get that kid more...

(This is original, copyright 1989 Tony Lovell)
The dew was still wet as the prisoner was let out into the yard for the last
time. The soldiers of the firing detail shuffled out to their usual
positions as the guards led the prisoner to the stake at the far end of the
paddock. There, he was securely bound as the captain of the guards stepped
forward to contend with the final courtesies.
"Blindfold?" he inquired.
"No, thank you," said the condemned.
The captain was a little taken aback at the difficulty and leaned forward so
as not to be heard.
"Please," he said, "take the blindfold. It is not an act of cowardice to be
spared this spectacle. It makes it MUCH easier for you."
The condemned thought for a moment and relented. The blindfold was tied
over his eyes.
"Cigarette?" offered the captain.
"No thanks," said the prisoner, "I don't more...

A grandpa and his five year-old son went out fishing. After a while the grandpa pulled out a beer and the grandson asked "Hey Grandpa, can I have a beer?"
The grandpa replied by saying "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
So the grandson said,"No."
Then the grandpa said, "Then you can't have one."
Later on, the grandpa pulls out a cigarette and lights it up and the grandson asked "Hey grandpa, can I have a cigarette?"
The grandpa again replied by saying, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
So the grandson again replied by saying no.
Then the grandpa said, "Well, then you can't have one."
Now the kid is getting really pissed off. So he takes out a cookie and the grandpa says, "Gee grandson, can I have one?"
The grandson replied by saying, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
So the grandpa said, "Yes."
Then the grandson said, "Good, then go more...

TOKYO (AP) - The recent craze for hydrogen beer is at the heart of a three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira Otoma, the Tike-Take karaoke bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation. Mr Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for selling toxic substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm leading to the loss of his job. The bar is counter suing for defamation and loss of customers. The Asaka Beer Corporation brews "Suiso" brand beer, where the carbon dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by the more environmentally friendly hydrogen gas. A side effect of this has made the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques. Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice. Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now more...