Cigarette Jokes / Recent Jokes

Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment." Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this: * Warning: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you? * Warning: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller. * Warning: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you. * Warning: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon. * Warning: Smoke rises, but you may not. * Warning: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- That is.. if you're capable of conceiving any. * Warning: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you. * Warning: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before? * Warning: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub. * Warning: Don't throw more...

The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a survey of 206, 000, 000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual. EXAMPLES: 1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake. 25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese and mushrooms. 53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries. 53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings. PREPARING THE BEDROOM Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned) ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS Hiding the sex manual: 3 Decanting the wine: 4 Without a corkscrew: 268 MAKING THE FIRST MOVE If you are shy: 15 If you are anxious: 43 If you beg: 100 SEDUCING THE PARTNER If you are more...

Signs You Smoke Too Much!

10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break".

9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.

8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bringdown".

7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.

6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap.

5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying. Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts...".

4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.

3. You smoke during sex.

2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys".

1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "non-smoking" iron lung.

You Know You're a Pothead When...
You think the song "Truckin'" by the Grateful Dead should replace the national anthem.
Your music collection is worth more than your vehicle.
Your bong is taller than your dog.
It takes you more than 30 minutes to roll a joint.
You set your wedding date for 4/20.
You take off April 20th every year and treat it as a holiday.
You spent your last bit of money to score some herbs and don't have enough gas money to get home but you don't care.
You start every sentence with - uhhh!.
You intentionally roll seeds in your joints on independence day so you can hear the popping because you don't have money to buy fireworks.
You eat at Taco Bell more than 8 times a week.
You wear sunglasses at night, and see better.
You go to the corner store and the clerk automatically tosses a pack of rolling papers on the counter.
Your pot tray is fuller than your refrigerator.
Your bong gets washed more than more...

Santa Singh( a Sardar from Jalandhar.. they are the one who smoke, despite the religious ban) tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first match on the seat of his pants, but it wouldn't light.
He tried another. It wouldn't light. The third one finally lit. lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in his vest pocket. "What for did you put that match in your vest
pocket?"
"That's a good match. I'll use it again."

A young girl who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter to
> economise in matches. After a short time it began to give trouble. So she
> spoke to a gentleman who had one, having just seen him light a cigarette
> with it and put it in his pocket.
>
> She: Now be a dear and tell me about that thing you have there in your
> trousers.
>
> He: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) I'm not used to
> discussing such things with ladies.
>
> She: Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work? Do you
> jerk it up and down?
>
> He: Oh, sometimes...
>
> She: Then it's different from mine, mine just opens and shuts. Do you rub
> yours up and down until something comes?
>
> He: Oh yes, especially in cold weather.
>
> She: Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it?
>
> He: No, most certainly not!
>
> She: Oh. You should, it more...

2 old ladies are at the bus stop waiting for a bus when it starts to rain. Not wanting to lose her cigarette, one of the old ladies took a condom and a pair of scissors out of her purse, snipped off the end of the condom and slid it over her cigarette.
The 2nd lady noticed this and thought it was a brilliant idea, so the next day she goes to the pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms.
The man says, "Sure, what size would you like?"
The woman, thinking about her cigarettes, says, "One that will fit a Camel."