Cigarette Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain. The second lady looks at that and says, "That's such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?" "It's a condom," The first lady replies. "Well, where can you buy those?" the second lady asks."Um... Most people buy them at pharmacies." the first lady replies. So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter. "Do you guys sell those condom things?" she asks the pharmacist. "Why yes we do," the pharmacist says a little confused, "Do you know what size you need?"So the lady says, "Well it's got to fit a Camel."

Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus.
The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain.
The second lady looks at that and says, "That's such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?"
"It's a condom," The first lady replies.
"Well, where can you buy those?"
the second lady asks.
"Um... Most people buy them at pharmacies." the first lady replies.
So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter.
"Do you guys sell those condom things?" she asks the pharmacist.
"Why yes we do," the pharmacist says a little confused, "Do you know what size you need?"
So the lady says, "Well it's got to fit a Camel."

TOBACCO SETTLEMENT MONEY TO HELP PROTECT KIDS FROM DANGERS OF SMOKING
North Carolina - In accordance with a multi-billion dollar class action settlement against the tobacco industry, The Big tobacco companies have pledged to devote millions to making sure children are not harmed by cigarettes.
While much of the money has been spent on television ads and tobacco education, one company, RJ Reynolds, the parent company for long time children's product staple, Nabisco, has chosen to interpret the terms of the settlement a little differently.
Taking their cue from the cellular phone industry's recent efforts to assure customers that their product can be used safely at all times, RJR has developed the "hands free" cigarette, a product which they envision marketing primarily to children.
"The problem with the youngsters is they are so active" said RJR spokesman Don Buttles. "They're always riding their bikes, or digging in the dirt, or playing catch. more...

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house
in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the
motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged
through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the
house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her
husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him
and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an
ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the
several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her
husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the
wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had
spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the
gasoline, more...

At my cousin`s wedding, my dad (who doesn`t much care for his nephew`s bride) thought it would be funny to flick his cigarette at her back as she walked down the aisle. It got caught in her hair and started to smolder. Her father had to get it out while she cried hysterically. Then he punched my Uncle Raymond, whom he thought had tossed it, right square in the forehead and ended up breaking his own hand. Good wedding.

Bored by their wild partying lifestyle Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan have turned into nuns. One day Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said, "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke,but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so Mother Superior doesn't find them." Paris said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which really solves this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!" Lindsay Lohan was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them." The next day Lindsay Lohan went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning, sister," said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms, please," said Lindsay Lohan. The more...

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully). The 1997 nominees are: NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. NOMINEE No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." NOMINEE No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to more...