Animal Jokes / Recent Jokes

: 24 questions from George Carlin's warped brain:

1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

4. What's another word for synonym?

5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do:' practice'?

6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

8. Where do forest rangers go to' get away from it all'?

9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

10. Why do they report power outages on TV?

11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

12. Is it possible to be totally more...

One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave.He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth. "Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat
asked."Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?""Yes," the other bat replied."Well, I didn't."

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"
"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"
"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."
"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?
On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin.
A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

Q: Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance?

A: It was a moth ball

Aman walks inot a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.He steps up to the bar, sets the monkey on the bar, slidesthe peanut bowl ove to the monkey, then orders a beer. While the man is drinking his beer, the monkey takes a peanut, hulls it, looks at it, stickes it up his ass, then eats the peanut. the brtender sees this and tells the man,"Hey! Get that nasty animal outa my bar."
"What nasty animal?"
The man replies. "That monkey"says the bartender,"He's hulling those peanuts, sticking them up his ass, then eating them."
"Oh, He's not being nasty .He's being cautious."
The man says. "How do you figure that?"
ask the bartender. "Well you see," explained the man,"my monkey used to be a gluttion. Then one day a woman gave him a peach, and after passing that pit, now he makes sure it fits befor he eats it"

A tomcat told a female cat, "For you, I would die."
The female asked, "How many times?"
Then there was the young female dinosaur who became a "woman." She had her first century.
A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.
Did y'all ever wonder why mice have such small balls?
Easy - very few of them can dance at all.
A Mother mouse and her baby were walking by a cave when a bat flew out. "Look Ma!" said the youngster, "An Angel."
You always hear that a camel can go 500 miles without water. How come nobody's ever bothered to see how far they can go WITH water.
A young teen studying sex education went to the zoo and saw her first kangaroo. As she was watching, a baby kangaroo stuck its head out of the Mother's pouch.
"Just as I suspected," the girl said to herself. "Caesareans do leave a nasty scar."
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