1998 Jokes / Recent Jokes

The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. Stella Liebeck is the 81 year old lady who spilled coffee on herself and sued McDonalds. This case inspired an annual award: The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuits in the U. S.
The following are this year's candidates:
1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780, 000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little brat was Ms. Robertson's son.
2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74, 000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was more...

The Top 13 Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 1998
13 "Correction: The cookie recipe in question cost $350, not $250 as previously reported."
12 "Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error."
11 "We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country."
10 "Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry."
9 "Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!"
8 "In Thursday's edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail more...

The Top 13 Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 1998
13 "Correction: The cookie recipe in question costs $350, not $250 as previously reported."
12 "Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error."
11 "We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country."
10 "Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry."
9 "Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!"
8 "In Thursday's edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail more...

Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for the 1998 Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid ways before they breed (thankfully).
The 1998 nominees are:
NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily more...

New statistics from Australian Bureau of Statistics:

3 people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 people were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 people had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 people were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 people were injured more...