"Confucius Says Jokes" joke

Confucius Says Jokes
Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.
Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs.
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.
He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.
He who plays with self, pulls boner.
Baseball all wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk.
House without toilet is uncanny.
Man trapped in brothel get jerked around.
Man's wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on whole woman have more.
Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.
Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.
Man who lay woman on ground gets piece on earth.
Man who plays with self pulls boner.
Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep shit.
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.
Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.
Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
Man who suck woman's tit make clean breast of things.
Rape impossible: Woman fun faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down.
Man who walk in middle of road get run over by bus.
Wife not part of furniture, until screwed on bed.
Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.
Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding bag.
Man who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Don't sweat the petty stuff. .. and don't pet the sweaty stuff.
Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.
Woman who slides down banister makes monkey shine.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.
Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy.

A FRIEND OF MINE HAS AN 18 YEAR OLD SON NAMED LEROY. HE ATTENDS OAKLAND HIGH SCHOOL WHERE THEY TEACH EBONICS AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. LAST WEEK HE WAS GIVEN AN EASY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS PUT EACH OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS IN A SENTENCE. THIS IS WHAT LEROY more...

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What is the difference between Northern and Southern racism?
A southern racist doesn't mind blacks living nearby, as long as they
don't get "uppity."
A northern racist doesn't mind blacks getting "uppity" as long as they
don't live close.

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THE ORIGINAL VERSIONThe ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper more...

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Once upon a time, there was a fellow who was down on his luck,
and as he was looking through the classifieds, he saw an
intriguing ad offering a ten million dollar reward to the person
who could find and retrieve, intact, something called a more...

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A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him more...

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