Stolen Jokes / Recent Jokes
A reportedly true story heard on Q107 yesterday:
A man was driving from his home up to Thunder Bay, Ontario to visit
friends. While there, he was involved in a collision with another car, but
the other driver left the scene of the accident. He reported it to the
police, who looked into it, and told him the next day that the car that hit
him was a stolen vehicle. The man was able to drive his pickup truck home,
only to find when he got home that, lo and behold, his car was stolen! Sure
enough, the car that hit him several hundred miles from home was his own.
I'd just like to see if his insurance agent breaks down laughing or crying.
An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard! Suddenly, the light turns yellow just in front of him. He does the honest thing and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens
the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting
officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were more...
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.
"Nevermind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were
stolen while he was passed out. While that was an "urban legend," this one
is not. It's happening every day. I'm sending this "warning" only to a few
of my closest friends.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years
ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with
someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who
would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if
imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these? What happened to
mine? I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at
pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became
obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to
bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living
out my life in jeans and more...
George rushed into the confessional with a turkey under his arm. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," he said. "I stole this turkey to feed my family. Please, would you take it and relieve my guilt."
"Certainly not," the Priest said. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"But I tried and he refused," sobbed George. "Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family," the Priest said.
"Thank you, Father," George replied, as he rushed off.
When the Priest returned to his residence, he entered the kitchen and found that someone had stolen his Thanksgiving turkey.