Stolen Jokes / Recent Jokes

Stolen Car A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD... they got my girlfriend too!!!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of more...

... you wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.
... you follow the tractor pull circuit.
... you have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.
... your primary income involves pigs or manure.
... your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.
... your favorite T-shirt is declared offensive in at least 13 states.
... you were expelled from summer school.
... you've ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.
... you attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.
... your baby's crib mobile is made out of beer cans.
... you've ever been asked to leave Shoney's all-you-can-eat breakfast.
... you have a grave in your yard.
... you've ever stolen toilet paper.
... you think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.
... your deceased hunting dog's tombstone is larger than your grandfather's.
... you wake up in the morning already dressed for work.
... you think the police more...

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? Put it in a viola case.

Did you hear that all the toilets at the police station were stolen? Yeah... the cops got nothing to go on.

Stolen Car A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD. . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"