Skills Jokes / Recent Jokes

'Resumania' is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here's some examples:' I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.' (And an eye on the' e' section of the dictionary, evidently.)' Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.'(No problem. ..)' Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.' (Glad to hear it.)' I am very detail-oreinted.' (With the possible exception of spelling)' I can play well with others.' (We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)' Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.' (A new twist on work-family balance.)' Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.' (Have you considered law school?)' My salary requirement is $34 per year.' (They say more...

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would
personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.
So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and
that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and
his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair
of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a
Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and
introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked,
"Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.
The general looks at the second young man and asked,"What
skills to you more...

Keep this in mind when updating your resume. "Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here's some examples:

* "I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise." (And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)

* "Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity." (No problem. ..)

* "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable." (Glad to hear it.)

* "My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
(And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?)

* "I am very detail-oreinted."
(With the possible exception of more...

1...Silence, the final frontier - Where no woman has gone before.2...The undiscovered side of Banking - How to make deposits.3...Combatting the Imelda Marcos Syndrome - You don't need new shoes everyday.4...Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.5...Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.6...An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.7...Man Management - Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.8...Personal Space - Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.9...Valuation - Just because it's not important to you.10..Communication Skills I - Tears as the last resort and not the first.11..Communication Skills II - How to think before speaking.12..What he really wants - Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.13..Driving a car safely - A skill you can also acquire.14..Real women drink their share at a party.15..Telephones - How to hang up.16..Parking - Beginners more...

Introduction To Common Household Objects I - The Mop
Introduction To Common Household Objects II - The Sponge
Dressing Up - Beyond The Funeral And The Wedding
Refrigerator Forensics - Identifying And Removing The Dead
Design Pattern Or Splatter Stain On The Linoleum - You CAN Tell the Difference
Accepting Loss I - If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
Accepting Loss II - If The Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In The Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
Going To The Supermarket - It's Not Just For Women Anymore
Recycling Skills I - Boxes That The Electronics Came In
Recycling Skills II - Styrofoam That Came In The Boxes That The Electronics Came In
Bathroom Etiquette I - How To Remove Beard/Mustache Clippings From The Sink
Bathroom Etiquette II - Let's Wash Those Towels!
Bathroom Etiquette III - Five Easy Ways To Tell When You're About To Run Out Of Toilet Paper
Giving Back To The Community - How To Donate 15 Year Old Elvis To The more...

Employer's Lingo:

"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for more...

Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem more...